I want to speak my mind. I want to share my heart with you, not just my opinion. For those of us who feel deeply connected to what we believe, let us share. Even if we disagree with one another, can’t we have peaceful dialogue? I’m learning to be a better listener, will you join me? I have felt stifled for too long - something I never thought this strong soul would succumb to, but I did. I have cried thousands of silent tears as you have hurt me beyond what I feel free to share with you - how can that be? And would you be so hurtful if you knew it stung the way it does? The beauty of the earth faded a bit as I shrank back from being who I am. I had lost faith in the shreds of goodness in humanity, in everyone’s Imago Dei. Then in a sudden dark twist, my pain and rejection and playing-the-victim role becomes sin for this beaten down heart. Lord, I do not want to doubt that they are Your image bearers, but I cannot see You in them. Am I blinded by their sin? Or am I blinded by my own hurt that now categorized certain people beyond grace? Dear sister or brother, I really do not want to categorize you this way. I want to see you through the eyes of our shared Savior. Can you resolve to try to see me the same way?
Gracious words are like honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul and healthy to the body.
About two months ago, the hits were coming hard - daily. Maybe the encouragement and the unfair, short sighted judgement were truly in balance, yet the latter always seems to eclipse the former when one is on the receiving end of both. Ever since my husband and I entered into full time ministry, I have been trying and failing miserably at not taking such judgements personally. As I’ve struggled not to do so, I have undergone some serious self examination. Why am I so hurt by these opinions? Am I really that insecure? Does the praise or criticism of others really determine what I do or how I feel? After seeking advice from older pastors and committed followers of Jesus we greatly respect, none of my above questions were at the root of my deep-seated hurt. What it really comes down to is kindness, grace, understanding, humility and true Christian community - none of which I felt the recipient of as people lodged blunt complaints and positions at us. It was in how such criticisms were delivered. I strive to have an open heart and open ears to hear and consider all suggestions as we seek to work together in the body, yet I found this to be extremely painful when the “suggestions” came with personal attacks and one sided arguments, void of actually wanting an answer. My heart longed for the honeycomb, which I believe can be present even amidst a disagreement. I refused to believe that my own brothers and sisters in Christ could hurt me just as much as the rest of humanity, if not more. This naivety of mine led to my pain, my disappointment and ultimately my doubting of whether or not this is actually my calling. It was when this utter disappointment of what I thought ministry would be like met the harsh reality that I hit my funk. Why are we doing this? Surely, this is not what God intends for us - is it? I don’t know if I’m cut out for this...
As I continued a cycle of hurt, frustration, confession, tearful prayers and recommitment-to-ministry-no-matter-what, I searched deeper and deeper. During the summer I had gone through a study of the book of James which teaches on wisdom and righteous living, with so much similarity to the teachings & words of Jesus found in the gospels. I recalled one of the challenges from the study - to stop asking God what would you have me do, but who would you have me be? While obsessing over why God was allowing us to walk through this dark time or a bigger question yet, why is ministry so devastatingly disappointing, I had forgotten to ask my Father what do you want me to learn? How are you wanting to transform me?
When I shifted my focus, I had a revelation. Rather, the Spirit prompted a revelation. Right now, for me, sharing in the sufferings of Christ is to understand His rejection. He was rejected by His own beloved creation - those He came to serve. In the recent past, I have felt rejected by those that I serve. Those that seem to forget I have a love for them, those that forget I too am trying to follow Jesus the best I know how, those that forget that I am a normal person, with a sensitive heart in fact! Our Savior continued in His mission despite rejection - it may have grieved His heart, but it did not sway His commitment. He sought them. He rebuked them. They ran from truth and plotted against Him. I cannot say that my commitment to those I serve has been as unwavering as Jesus’ - but I wish it to be so. Not for them, but first for Him. Yet for them, also. And so, I serve on with my heart accepting rejection from time to time, drawing strength from the example of my Savior.
And now I ask of you dear sister or brother, can we speak words that drip with honey to one another? If we misunderstand one another, can we start with questions and not accusations? Can we not find unity in the Holy Spirit, even if we cannot find unity between our opinions? I believe we can and as I try, I will assume the best of you - that you are trying too.